This morning I was happily packing my lunch in the kitchen when I heard the dog licking the floor. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate when he licks the floor. Not only is it an obnoxious-sounding and gross habit, but he leaves a trail of tongue and nose prints that I then step in with my bare feet. Blech.

So I turned around to whisper-yell, “Stoppit! Git!” like I normally do when this occurs at 6 am, when I saw it. It.  A bug.  A big’un.  Relatively long, black, and being gingerly flopped off of my dog’s pink tongue onto the floor.

Ohmygod. Run. Run!

I shooed the dog while dropping four-letter word bombs left and right and sprinted to grab the first shoe I could find. It was a total war zone and that heavy size 10 sneaker was my grenade. The dog tucked his tail as far up his crotch as caninely possible while I snuck back towards the kitchen doorway for a peek.

It lay unmoving, paralyzed by its own fear, on the floor beneath the sink, its alien legs folded in. In full protective gear (shoes) I craftily performed my sneak attack: I screamed a not un-Muppet-like scream and chucked my husband’s shoe at the horrible beast. Then I flew back to the doorway, shaking, and waited.

Then I waited some more. And nothing happened. I tiptoed my way back up to the shoe, a high-octave piano scale accompanying me in my head, but nothing crawled out. I’d either temporarily trapped it, or more likely, the grasshopper-like insect was already dead before my outlandish display of heroics, and I’d just killed it…more.

I didn’t wait to find out. Like the coward I am, I left the shoe on top of what I hoped was a not-too-squished insect carcass for my husband to deal with later. And to He Who Puts Up With Me, I’m sorry, thank you, I love you. I considered being brave, moving the shoe, snapping a pic with my iPhone and removing the bug with a mondo-wad of paper towels, but I just couldn’t do it. I will say that I have done it before. It was just that I saw the time and well, it was kind of a good excuse not to.

Not long after, while walking the dog outside, I came across a beetle in my path.

It’s got to be an omen of bad things to come.

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